And here we are again, another trip around the sun. I've been fairly silent as of late, turning inside, doing the work. In my work training people, I get to see the progression of their growth; from a lack of centeredness, control and strength-- to a more focused, centered confidence and power, both physically and mentally. It reminds me of how we put pencil markings on the doorway as our children grow. It is so incremental, and barely noticeable day by day. But when you step back over a month or a year and beyond-- how did that happen? Progression. Slow and steady, consistency, direction.

It is so with us as well, our growth. Mental, physical, spiritual, emotional; it is nearly impossible to measure these things moment by moment, or day by day. But when you look back on an expanse of time-- like a month, or a year-- you can see where the road twisted and turned, the choices you made or ignored. Sometimes it's these deviations from the road that are where we are truly formed and forged. In fact, I'm learning that that it's almost always the deviations that have helped me in some backhanded way-- in ways that hurt (and still do, in many ways) me, cut me to the quick. And yet without these things,  I would not be who and where I now am.

I have taken God to task for a lot of these things; I tend to take these bruises, dents and trials very personally. The 'why' question looms, and I have to quell the urge to simply quit on Him. Yelling, crying out-- sometimes raging at Him about the injustice of some of these things. In the end, I've had to surrender by default, in stages of grief or sadness. Is surrender the same thing as giving up on a thing or a person? Or is it simply handing it over to forces greater than myself and my exertions at trying to rectify wrongs done to me or those I love. Or maybe it's just stepping out of the way; out of my own way, and letting things just be.

I have never liked the idea of 'New Year's Resolutions'. It's a trap. I do however, think it's good to take stock every year-- whether it be a birthday, a change of season, job, or relationship-- to check in and see what's up, what's working, what's not. To be honest, 2016 was not a banner year for me (or many of us)-- personally and professionally, emotionally and on other deeper, more reflective levels. And yet, I feel like I did some of my deepest work on self, on surrender, humility and true seeking. The measurement or clarity around growth generally comes in hindsight, reflectively. So as this bumpy year grinds to a halt, I am grateful for many things, despite the things that are still unresolved. 

Even learning to be more grateful is a lesson that sadly, is often not learned until things we love or hold dear (or think we do) are taken away from us. It's kind of like 'backing into' gratitude. Humans are slow learners sometimes-- often in fact-- and we sometimes see only what is lacking, not what is of grace or simplicity. For me, the last year or two have been about slowly having things stripped away from me (kicking and screaming in some cases), only to come to a clearer understanding of what is real, what is true, and finally-- what really matters and is of value. Friends-- who are, and who are not, is one true lesson I've had. 

There is no 'prince' on a white horse, at least not in that idyllic way. I do believe that we are put here to be in relationship, in community, to lift up others and be loved as well. How this looks and feels is a mystery to me at this point in my life. I look around and see it happening for others; I ask God what His plan is for me in this regard. Despite all I've been through, I still believe in love, not perfection. So if he's not a prince, maybe he's a really cool frog, who gets me and me him. Or maybe not this time around, who knows. But I seem to have arrived at some kind of peace around the not knowing (not the 'not caring'), and carrying on for the right reasons. 

I hear this at church often, from people I respect. That we are not called to 'happiness' in terms of perfection and a life without pain, challenge, or hard work. We are called here to use our particular gifts, and to use our life's experiences for good. And to that end I remain committed. These things that I've weathered, that I've struggled to forgive-- these are actually the things that make me a better friend, human, woman, and daughter. I am grateful for my little home, and the peace that I am able to create here, on my own. My music, my friends, my work, my kitty. I am grateful that I have enough health to be able to paddle board, or practice yoga, the things that feed my soul. Music. God. 

In the end, that is all any of us can really do. There is no avoiding the pitfalls, the heartaches, the betrayals; there is only rising above these things, walking through them, and arriving at some other place than where we began. So I pray and hope for a better year, that the pieces I have worked on continue to come together. 

We have to fall apart, in order to fall back together. At least I have the self-awareness to be self-aware (infinite loop).