How Do You Decide?

How do you make decisions? From the heart? Intuition? Head? Gut? Prayer? I've been kind of asking this question for awhile, and a lot more lately. If we are meant to pray for clarity, and there is SILENCE, then what? If the guidance we are hearing is OUR thoughts and desires, and not His, how do you discern? 

Big questions, huh? Add to this, the ongoing humanistic convo's with my 16 year old son about how WE are responsible for our choices and decisions (wait, isn't this supposed to be the other way around?), not God's. So. Silence; what do we do with that? Is it the proverbial 'wandering in the dessert for 40 years'? And we are to stay faithful to that, no matter what? 

But 40 years won't cut it. Choices that can impact me, my kids and our future need to be made. So for lack of clear direction, I suppose we keep moving forward, continually asking along the way, 'Is this where You want me headed?', and if there is NO answer, then do we wait for a door to close (rather than open), or do we just keep rolling along, praying for the best possible outcome for all?

I've been paddling around on this, talking, singing, crying, praying, yelling, LISTENING, all summer. Here's what I keep coming up with: I want to teach yoga and train clients; it's where my heart lives, serving others. I want to paddle and teach others to paddle, because of how much joy and peace it brings to my soul. I want to do these things not because I'm entitled to, or because it feeds my ego, but because I truly believe these are gifts that I was endowed with, to share. My gifts, aligned with my wants; what's so hard about that?

Big Kid Wendy says, 'Well, you can't do that, it doesn't pay the bills', while the spirit that is supposed to be living breathing and serving what I was Put Here To Do, says, 'why CAN'T you do that?' And therein lies the rub. As a long-time yoga teacher, my job is to tell, teach and show others that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...or is that only what sounds good on paper? If this is true, then why isn't that true for ME, as well as those I'm blessed to serve? 

Independent wealth notwithstanding, how is this dream doable for others and not for me? I tried to live that dream for over 10 years and it just didn't materialize. It's not a luxury I can afford, as a 'hobby' job while my husband 'works'. It's my passion and my skill; it's my voice and my heart. It's what I was put here to do. But 'if' I'm a teacher, then does it need to be limited to the studio? Aren't I a teacher regardless of where, or whom I'm teaching to?

So I applied for grad school this week. Nerves: is this what You want? Or are You leaving this big decision up to me alone? There's no spouse to consult or support me in this; no parents or siblings. I have consulted with friends both in and out of the Faith; prayed; weighed it out. We'll see where this road turns next. That's all I can do. I think I've done everything I'm supposed to be doing-- job hunting, teaching, raising kids, being a good friend and person, a godly woman. Isn't this enough? And the old fears, the 'what ifs' creep in.

So you see, I'm left here with as many questions as before I began this entry. It seems that some people are truly blessed with luck, more than others. Or do we create our luck? Or do we keep praying? And praying. And listening. But it has really challenged me, this praying, and silence, and waiting. 

Wendy on Lake Clem

Now what?