The Year that Changed Everything

It's still in the 70's and sunny outside, as we approach mid-November here. It shouldn't surprise me, yet it always does; the raging summer kind of butts up into fall, then suddenly it's cold and wintery. But this year in particular has flown by, for so many reasons, and I find myself looking Christmas in the face. Not ready for that. Or am I?

As i came onto Bayside's campus (standing at the crosses) last weekend to serve, I paused to see the Big Tent was up-- the enormous tent that stands in the ready for the holiday activities about to come. It's just a tent, so what? So what is that I came onto that campus nearly a year ago, seeking 'only to hear some good music' and what ensued was a radical, life transforming event that Changed Everything. 

Most of the people close to me have by now heard my testimony. Most have been following my journey as I've more or less used Facebook this last year as an ersatz open journal documenting all of it. But as I stood there looking at that tent, it hit me like a ton of bricks, where I've been this year, from the depths of a self-imposed h*ll, to stepping boldly into this new life with the Lord. That tent was a refuge in, literally and metaphorically, the midst of a storm. I came into Bayside that day last December, little to hang on to, or so it seemed at the time.

    Tyler De Young

I came, with two of my children, to hear Tyler, a friend and student, play. That was the pretext; music, my passion. He (God) found the crack in my well-constructed armor.  I stood there, in the third row, with his parents, and watched in awe as the worship team that I have grown to love, and heard him, WITNESSED him moving the Holy Spirit, right to me, through me. I felt it, like nothing I've ever felt, and the tears began to roll down my face. I tried to stop it but it was in vain; his mother reached out for my hand, and I was Home. 

And it all went from there, a blur. I've not missed one weekend since. I have a family now. People who walk with me daily, moment by moment at times. I am theirs and they are mine. And we are His. 

Ragtag Crew, my family

How did this happen? Many years of teaching, of practicing, of being 'spiritual, not religious', and here I stand, with a story to tell, and a past that no longer has to define me as a noose of mistakes and missteps around my neck. I am free; not perfect, but free. I have a foundation that wasn't there before, something I've always sought but never found. And just like that, I stand on solid firmament. All I had to do was Believe. In Him. And say so out loud to my family and friends, to God. 'You are mine and I am Yours'. 

            April 13, 2013

So what has changed, besides saying these things out loud? I am accountable now in a way that I have never been. I am humbled from things like pride and ego, and letting my work define my importance, of who I thought I was. I am more full now in a way that I never was, but always wanted to be. I filled myself and my life up with yoga (nothing inherently wrong with yoga); with self-glorification in the guise of serving others. I now serve no other. And in surrendering all of these things, I came to myself, to who I am and who I am becoming. I released people and ideas that do NOT serve me any longer; and in doing so found an entirely new family that loves me. Not for what I say or do, but for who I am, nothing more. 

And I am flawed, so flawed. And I've made mistakes, poor judgement calls that cost me big. All I can do now is try to rectify these things, for the greater good. Try to be the mother I want to be, the daughter I want to be, the woman I want to be.  That's all I can do, and forgiving myself. For I am given grace now, and room to be forgiven.

Ellie my angel, and me at Breakaway

So I stood there at those crosses where I was baptized last April, staring at that tent, and it all flashed before me, jolted me back to now. To where I now stand. And there are still some things up ahead on the horizon that I must contend with. But strangely, I'm ok, it's going to be ok. It's going to be exactly as it should be, and all the pain, all the mistakes, all the growth, the lessons I learn daily; it's all for good. "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the Enemy's schemes." (Eph. 6) There will always be trials, we are human and there are struggles every single day. Keep those you love close to you, take nothing for granted. And draw near to Him, especially when things get hard. I have felt so alone in this world, without parents or family or roots under me. And all that's changed, in this year that Changed Everything. 

Peace.