Thanksgiving Postmortem Leftovers

Ahhh, the day AFTER a holiday; always that letdown kind of feeling-- 'I ate too much', 'I spent too much', etc. I love the day after things; it's always a good time to reflect and renew; take stock and wipe the slate clean (and to stay in one's pajamas). With Thanksgiving, it's self-evident that we are meant to acknowledge the things we are grateful for, as we should. But there is that other piece, the piece that we don't really want to look too deeply at: what are the things we are NOT thankful for? We had the glorious feast, but what were the scraps that noone wanted?

This week as I was preparing to teach a Thanksgiving morning yoga class, I sat quietly and prayed on this. What are the things that have challenged me the most this year, the things that I thought were insurmountable? What were the circumstances that threw me sideways-- that still push on me-- and more importantly, how have I reacted to these things? In the past I might have reacted in pride, anger, frustration, depression, sadness. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect, on my walk with The Lord. It's not a 'free pass' to walk with Him. Daily I am making mistakes and asking forgiveness, and starting over. There are still people working against me; the Enemy incognito. I guess the difference now is my awareness of these things, and learning to use the tools I now have to 'armor' up and fight for what is right IN THE RIGHT WAY. 

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^a whenever you face trials of many kinds,3because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. (James 1:20)

So how do we find grace in the hardest circumstances? Pray, read, fellowship with others who we trust and love. Rather than being a victim to these things that happen, how do we put on a different filter and see difficulties as blessings? This is really one of the hardest things to do, in my opinion. Everyone I know has had challenges of some sort this year, and that is nothing new. There is a new underlying strength there for me, iron-clad foundation of stability that gives me some mooring as I navigate through some troubled waters. He has this, He has me covered. I am tethered to something, someone, who gives us these challenges in order to pull us CLOSER to him in faith, trust and love, rather than turning away in fear, sorrow and defeat.

Earlier in the week my son and I were talking about 'If there is an all-loving God, then how can He just allow evil things/people to exist (like the holocaust, mass murder of children etc)? While I don't have all the answers, I am trying to hold strong to faith, because even (or especially) without faith, questions like these still cannot be answered-- all that's left then is disillusionment, mistrust, fear, and a kind of meandering faithlessness that goes nowhere. I am becoming acutely aware that there is something so much bigger than me, than you, than all of us-- orchestrated by a god so big that we can only catch glimpses of how He is working in our lives. Yes, we have free will, but how can we possibly have an overview of ALL things, and live with that overwhelming knowledge every single day? It's simply too unfathomable. And so, in learning to trust, I have to hand it over to Him, and not try to use my limited logic and knowledge of 'why' things go wrong, or get taken away, or any other thing that APPEARS to be hopeless. Using my mind or logic isn't really the way to walk through these things; it's not enough. 

"Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes." (Is. 30:20, NLT)

When I shift my filter from 'why me' to 'what can I learn from this?', it invariably draws me closer to Him, to things having a purpose, EVEN the seemingly impossible things. "But i don't WANT to learn from that, it's too hard, there is too much at stake", often runs through my mind in harder times. Learning to let go of what I want, and in MY time, is important. 

As I reflect on this year, it has truly been not only one of the most painful, but one of the most uplifting; how is this even possible? Loss, forgiveness, financial challenges, career change, self-examination, humility, friendship-- the myriad of all of it, laid out as a glorious tapestry of 'the good, the bad, and the ugly'. And looking back (hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?), it all seems so clear to me from where I now sit: everything plays out as it is meant to. whether we accept it or fight it tooth and nail. Surrender to the process of loss and redemption isn't the same thing as 'giving up'; we sill have to get up every day and do the best we can. We have to be His hands and feet. 

So on this day AFTER a day of thanks, ask yourself, 'what am i NOT thankful for, and what is the lesson there, how can it refine and define me further? Where is God leading me, and what are my gifts and strengths?' It is trial by fire that truly brings us face to face with who we are, what we are made of, and where we belong. Try to find grace and thanks for the hard stuff this year; by contrast you can see ALL of it illuminated, not just the good stuff, as gifts. 

The Year that Changed Everything

It's still in the 70's and sunny outside, as we approach mid-November here. It shouldn't surprise me, yet it always does; the raging summer kind of butts up into fall, then suddenly it's cold and wintery. But this year in particular has flown by, for so many reasons, and I find myself looking Christmas in the face. Not ready for that. Or am I?

As i came onto Bayside's campus (standing at the crosses) last weekend to serve, I paused to see the Big Tent was up-- the enormous tent that stands in the ready for the holiday activities about to come. It's just a tent, so what? So what is that I came onto that campus nearly a year ago, seeking 'only to hear some good music' and what ensued was a radical, life transforming event that Changed Everything. 

Most of the people close to me have by now heard my testimony. Most have been following my journey as I've more or less used Facebook this last year as an ersatz open journal documenting all of it. But as I stood there looking at that tent, it hit me like a ton of bricks, where I've been this year, from the depths of a self-imposed h*ll, to stepping boldly into this new life with the Lord. That tent was a refuge in, literally and metaphorically, the midst of a storm. I came into Bayside that day last December, little to hang on to, or so it seemed at the time.

    Tyler De Young

I came, with two of my children, to hear Tyler, a friend and student, play. That was the pretext; music, my passion. He (God) found the crack in my well-constructed armor.  I stood there, in the third row, with his parents, and watched in awe as the worship team that I have grown to love, and heard him, WITNESSED him moving the Holy Spirit, right to me, through me. I felt it, like nothing I've ever felt, and the tears began to roll down my face. I tried to stop it but it was in vain; his mother reached out for my hand, and I was Home. 

And it all went from there, a blur. I've not missed one weekend since. I have a family now. People who walk with me daily, moment by moment at times. I am theirs and they are mine. And we are His. 

Ragtag Crew, my family

How did this happen? Many years of teaching, of practicing, of being 'spiritual, not religious', and here I stand, with a story to tell, and a past that no longer has to define me as a noose of mistakes and missteps around my neck. I am free; not perfect, but free. I have a foundation that wasn't there before, something I've always sought but never found. And just like that, I stand on solid firmament. All I had to do was Believe. In Him. And say so out loud to my family and friends, to God. 'You are mine and I am Yours'. 

            April 13, 2013

So what has changed, besides saying these things out loud? I am accountable now in a way that I have never been. I am humbled from things like pride and ego, and letting my work define my importance, of who I thought I was. I am more full now in a way that I never was, but always wanted to be. I filled myself and my life up with yoga (nothing inherently wrong with yoga); with self-glorification in the guise of serving others. I now serve no other. And in surrendering all of these things, I came to myself, to who I am and who I am becoming. I released people and ideas that do NOT serve me any longer; and in doing so found an entirely new family that loves me. Not for what I say or do, but for who I am, nothing more. 

And I am flawed, so flawed. And I've made mistakes, poor judgement calls that cost me big. All I can do now is try to rectify these things, for the greater good. Try to be the mother I want to be, the daughter I want to be, the woman I want to be.  That's all I can do, and forgiving myself. For I am given grace now, and room to be forgiven.

Ellie my angel, and me at Breakaway

So I stood there at those crosses where I was baptized last April, staring at that tent, and it all flashed before me, jolted me back to now. To where I now stand. And there are still some things up ahead on the horizon that I must contend with. But strangely, I'm ok, it's going to be ok. It's going to be exactly as it should be, and all the pain, all the mistakes, all the growth, the lessons I learn daily; it's all for good. "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the Enemy's schemes." (Eph. 6) There will always be trials, we are human and there are struggles every single day. Keep those you love close to you, take nothing for granted. And draw near to Him, especially when things get hard. I have felt so alone in this world, without parents or family or roots under me. And all that's changed, in this year that Changed Everything. 

Peace.

God in a Box?

I'm never surprised, always humbled and amazed, at where Life's twists and turns take me, especially in regard to my spiritual pursuits. I was raised by a very spiritual woman who began her life as an orthodox Jew, found Christ in her 20's, then spent the rest of her life examining all manner of ideas and belief systems, from EST, TM, Buddhism, and finally ending her life back at the source of her Judaism. And I was raised in that pot of ever-seeking, always questioning, higher-thinking beliefs. On one hand that was a great legacy, to be so open and seeking in All Things of Spirit. On the other hand, it left me skeptical of 'organized religion' and the people who stand in judgement of others' whose beliefs are not the same as theirs; it left a void in me that was not consistent with faith in one God.

I still maintain a rather liberal view that all people of the world have the right to their own faith, wherever they are called, and in their own cultural context. I believe it is in our human DNA to always ask the question 'why' and 'where do we come from and where do we go?'. To seek a personal relationship with god, creator, etc.. We can put names on all these entities, but in the end it all comes back to Love and compassion, in my opinion.

As a yoga teacher, I am daily reminded of the gift that I am in service of providing to others on their paths, and nurturing their own questions and concerns about the inner spiritual life that yoga has to offer, if it is something they are interested in. More and more, I began to find that there were many of the Christian faith in my room, alongside those of other beliefs, or even non-believers or atheists. I am tolerant of all who come; it is THEIR journey, not mine, and I'm merely the vessel to hold space for them, and it is an honor. However, as my own personal journey began to shift towards Christ, I began to have people draw to me with questions about how these two ideas merge or conflict: yoga and christianity. I have reflected and prayed upon this.

And I have arrived at the conclusion that there is no conflict, at least not for me. I am trying to teach people how to love themselves, the world around them, their creator, family, friends, strangers. And that is true for me as well. It seems that there is no 'coincidence' that God has put me in the position of bridging this gap in a kind and gracious way, putting minds and hearts at ease about what yoga 'is' and what it 'is not' in terms of faith and god.

I have a friend who came to me recently, telling me about a woman who believes very strongly that yoga is 'devil worship'; this is not the first time I have heard this, and it saddens me greatly. In a purely pragmatic way, yoga is a system of poses meant to relieve stress, pain, injury, and give relief and pleasure in our busy lives. It seems that many people who consider themselves 'strongly of God' have somehow put themselves and their beliefs into a 'god box' ie a limited mindset where nothing but their own literal beliefs can exist, and everything outside of those beliefs is wrong, a sin, an abomination to God's word. I do not find anything in the bible which says 'yoga is a sin'. Worshipping false idols is stated, but I do not ask that of my students. If i chant, it's to help them breathe and come into the yoga space ready to practice. I do not pray to the hindu gods; however they are mentioned in pose names, and in chants. I see them as parables, cautionary tales or aspects of our own humanity.

When I picture Jesus in the here and now, I picture him not as someone has TOLD me to picture him, but as my own friend or father figure, interested in all things that speak to spiritual improvement, or being closer to Him, to our source. I actually (and lovingly) picture him in his board shorts doing yoga with us, as we laugh, sweat, sit in prayer/meditation, and rest and revive. Isn't that what God wants us to do?

And so I cannot tell this woman she is 'wrong'; I cannot force my own ideology down her throat just as she cannot mine. I can however continue to serve what I believe to be my gift in His name, and help people in need of a loving ear, a kind hug, or a good laugh. I can only bring about change by my example in word, thought and deed. Not by force or dogma.

Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu: may all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may our thoughts, words and actions support this. How can that ever be against God? The definition of sin is 'separation from God'; yoga surely does not ask us to do that, in fact quite the opposite.

I was baptised on Sunday; it was one of the greatest days of my life. And what made it so completely amazing what that two of my students, and believers, were the ones who baptised me. That was a huge gift and a blessing, to feel that my yoga life somehow brought me to my own personal relationship with God.

As the dust settles...

Maybe it's too late to comment on a timely event that is a week past; most blogs that I've seen on Wanderlust 2012 were hot off the (digital) press during or immediately after the last tent was folded, the last 'namaste' uttered. But I like to let things settle in, let the subtler aspects float to the surface. the Big, Obvious things have all been said: it's an awe-inspiring spectacle of yoga, music, neo-hippiedom, commercialism at it's best (and worst) -- all blended into one giant melange of chai-tainted yumminess. But wait, there's more...

This is my 3rd year (out of four Wanderlust events) I attended this world class event in one of the most pristine spots in the world, Squaw Valley California. Maybe I'm jaded; Squaw is nearly in my backyard, and just one of many insanely gorgeous destinations for skiing, rafting, hiking, biking, camping...and YOGA. No small irony that as the eternal Olympic flame burns at the foot of the valley, the XXX Olympics were initiated. It's kind of hard to be at Squaw and NOT be totally blown back by the sheer beauty of it in its own right; adding yoga and music to it is a proverbial wet dream for those of us who teach and practice in insulated (heated) rooms.

But this year was special, as I was invited to teach at the event. It goes without saying that I will be eternally grateful to those who chose to include me (as a local representative of the area) on a roster which included the likes of such well known and highly regarded teachers and scholars as Rod Stryker, Hareesh Wallace, MC Yogi, Jonny Kest, Shiva Rea, Seane Corn, Baron Baptiste, Les Levinthal, Sianna Sherman and Janet Stone, among others. In 'the real world' most of these names would invoke a raised eyebrow-- 'who the F is that?', but in our little insulated bubble of yogadom, these names are tauted as pillars of modern yoga. Suffice it to say that it was more than surreal, as I sat at the invite-only dinner sponsored by Lululemon (no free swag, dammit), chatting casually with Baron or Les. It's not a world where starstruck comments like 'I'm a big fan of your work' are appropriate. However, it is comforting to know that these demigods in the profession apparently eat the same as I do. And not out of ego or arrogance, it was really affirming to feel that I had somehow 'arrived' at the next tier, whatever that may be.

So, I guess that I'm commenting on the event from both points of view: as a lifelong student and practitioner, and as a teacher. Perhaps it is ungrateful to make even one negative comment on any of it, but what fun would that be? Certainly from start to finish, the event is a tightly organized, smoothly run operation, nearly seamless on the front end. The perfect blend of high end tent vendors, the all-vegetarian food vendors, the corporate sponsors offering free swag (gee, is that where my car payment dollars are going?) up the yin yang?, the altar-altered conference rooms and open-air tents -- all beautifully executed. The variety of teacher offerings is always challenging: 'do I take a hard vinyasa class with Schuyler Grant, or do I feel like a yoga nidra with Rod Stryker would be better?' Just having the luxury of choosing is a gift. Ten classes in 4 days seems gratuitous, but if you play it right, you'll end up with the perfect blend of hard work, laying back, partying at High Camp (!), dancing your a&s off to Ziggy, or meditating in the Gaiam Dome. I'm sure I'm not the only person attending who realized the not-so-small irony that this rather high end (and pricey) event is a luxury that 99% of the people in the world (and that includes all the Off the Mat and Into the World people) could never in a million years afford. Add to that the lodging, and the food. So again, I extend gratitude to those who made this possible for me (a poor yoga teacher).

My teaching experience was wonderful, playful, and memorable. Back at home, I teach in a heated room, so the floor-to-ceiling windows offering a sweet breeze under the mountain, were a breathtaking and refreshing change. We sung, sweated, laughed, fell down, and had reverence for where we were. I feel lucky to have taught the first day of the event (a slower day, as most people were still arriving and unpacking), then having the pleasure of attending for the next 3 days. I was humbled by the honor of being a presenter at this event; after all, yoga teachers are as ubiquitous as Starbuck's stores on every block; to stand out in any way is a challenge, and I think I rose to the occasion.

Then as a student, I was totally humbled in most instances, by being in the presence of such great minds and hearts. There really aren't enough adjectives for the likes of modern-day scholar and teacher Rod Stryker, or the inspired sequencing of east coast Kula Yoga teacher Schuyler Grant, who was accompanied by the magical DJ Drez, a constant presence on the yoga-circuit, with his moody chill DJ mixes. On the other end, I was rather disappointed in the one or two 'rockstar' classes I attended; they felt contrived and under inspired. Who knows, if I had to teach to that many people at that many events,  would my words seem somewhat empty after awhile? It's so hard to maintain the intimacy of a smaller class setting, in those ginormous tents. It's not for me to judge, but I do find it interesting that those who are (likely) the highest paid in the industry are not necessarily the 'best' (ok, not an objective word) in the biz, teaching-wise.

From a purely social point of view, Wanderlust allowed most of us who attended, to reconnect with other friends and colleagues from all over the country, collect some fresh fodder to take back home to our students. It is a cross between Disneyland for Yogis, and Yoga summer camp. And I wouldn't change a thing. For all its gratuitous commercialism, Wanderlust is a wonderful testimonial to how popular yoga has become (and a multi-billion dollar industry) in our culture. Who knows, maybe I'll be in the Big Tent next year!!

Igniting the flame

So much has been happening lately; I cannot figure out if 'more' is happening, 'better' things are happening, or if I'm just paying attention in a different way. It seems like there is a little tiny flame, an inner fire, that has taken hold. I was imagining the other day that it is kind of like those 'eternal flames' that are lit at JFK or MLK memorials; it's not a big brazen open fire, it's a tiny flame, constant and true. 

The 'source' of this prana, energy, chi, fire? Who can really answer that Big Question. But it's there. Even if you roll your eyes when this sort of idea gets brought up in a yoga class ('can't we just do the poses please?'), it's undeniable that we run energy -- at all times, in fact. Sometimes more than others, and sometimes not the best or brightest (we all have 'bad hair days', no?). In the Niyamas (one of the 8 limbs of Patanjali's Sutras), 'tapas' or heat, are discussed at length, though in more of a burning off to cleanse kind of way. Flame as a purifier, so to speak.  

But in the context that I'm speaking of, it seems to be more of a hum, a buzz, something undefinable in a way. Kind of like the sound of cicadas in the summer; it's always there in the background. How do we access this energy, igniting that inner desire to keep propelling us forward, while staying present? Especially on those days when it just doesn't feel like you have much to give, or don't feel particularly inspired OR inspiring. What then? 

I have a long and enduring relationship with my yoga, both as a teacher and a student. It's changed as the years go by: injuries, babies, healing, relationships...it's all part of the context from which I teach, and live. But this flame goes beyond the mat; practicing this yoga and these ideals we speak to, naturally informs our lives OFF the mat, and so this is what I have been observing in myself. The ways I interact with random people at a store, or how I phrase a question in a kinder way, or allowing someone else to be heard without an automatic response waiting. Paying closer attention. There are so many things that just whiz by us each day, and it would be hard to take in each and every second with grace and perfection. But just striving to do better, and listen more, and have a more open heart and mind; this is practice. 

How can I access this energy?

A lot of things are trial and error, in this quest for higher awareness. For example, sitting in deep meditation is challenging for me; as well as painful, as I have low back issues. But the intention behind meditation is to quiet the mind, and awaken the higher self, soothing the constant chatter that narrates our inner landscape. So for me, aside from my yoga practice, I have taken up drumming. It provides me with a release, a kind of 'putting the mind on hold', and drops me down into a meditative state, where I'm totally in the moment. No lists, no obligations, no work, kids, commitments. It forces me to be present in a way that most things don't. Is this meditation? For me, yes. And it came to me quite by accident. Be open to new ways to access this mindfulness, this inner flame.

Find things that feed your soul.

I have noticed that a lot of people in our society are constantly on the run: doing doing doing. There is rarely space in the day to sit quietly, or breathe, or practice asana. I myself am busy much of the day, and have to consciously set the intention to stop, or pause, and just be still. There is a difference between just staying busy because of obligations or distractions, rather than choosing the things you fill your days with, and if those things are nurturing your soul. Maybe your thing is gardening, or cooking, or taking long drives to nowhere in particular. For me, it's picking up the drum and intentionally making the time for something that really sustains me, not just fills up time. Noone can tell you what that 'thing' is. If it's your mat, then get to it no matter when, where or how. 

Keeping the flame alive.

I'm still working on that one. There are days for most of us that just aren't great, for whatever reason. Then others that seem to just flow from one thing to another, with ease and synchronicity. I suppose the key then is to have this flame, this inner light -- with you at all times, to carry you through even the most challenging days. Having some tools in your arsenal is helpful; knowing how to breathe, ground and having faith that all is as it should be, regardless of your efforts or control.

Stay open.

The thing that has jumped out the most to me lately is that a lot of things seem to be rather arbitrary or random; I don't know if this is true or not. But what I do sense is that if I stay open to new opportunities, experiences and people, better things seem to happen, in a more aligned kind of way. If your intention is to become a leader in your area of expertise, but you never leave your house, then the odds of that happening are diminished. Getting a bit uncomfortable is ok sometimes, taking chances (within reason) and seeing what happens, generally is a good way to open up to new possibilities. What if you never knew you had a special talent for weaving, and then a friend took you to a class and you found out it was exactly what you wanted to be doing in your spare time? Or yoga? Or cake decorating? If you don't know what your 'bliss' is (as Joseph Campbell used to call it), that's ok too. It's taken most of my adult life to arrive at teaching, giving, doing and creating a life that brings me joy. The point is, keep going.

In the end everyone has to find their own way along the Path. My way is like noone else's; neither is yours. The affirmations I receive from my work and the world around me tell me that I am on the right path, headed towards a better way of doing, feeling, expressing and creating. This inner flame is there, even on my worst days. I have to hold true to that.

Fear and Abundance

Ah, the holidays are in the rear-view. It's been awhile since my last post; lots of time to simmer and shine, lots of tears, exuberance, teaching, breakthroughs, run-ins. I always say that my mat -- our mats -- are the laboratory, the surfboard, the life raft, the magic carpet, from which we have the opportunities to work through all the things that get thrown at us -- good, challenging, ugly, spirited. It's the same in real life i suppose. The difference i think is that the mat, and the safety of that environment, gives us the freedom to fall apart, get confused, lost, and then found again -- rather like Hansel and Gretel with the crumbs along the path, finding our way back to home base.  Or maybe Humpty Dumpty. But enough of obvious fairy tale metaphors.

It would be disingenuous of me, as both a practitioner and teacher, to sit on a pedestal and proclaim capital T truth, as though I still don't occasionally fall to my knees in tears, praying for clarity and insight, kindness and release -- loving compassion even in the face of really hard choices and challenges. I do not believe that as yogis, it is our job to hold ourselves above our students, proclaiming Truth, Love, Wisdom and Beauty, without having also dredged up the darker aspects of ourselves, and come out on the other side; we are works in progress.

I try to latch onto universal themes in my work -- speaking to the broader ideas that bind us together in the human experience. In showing up with this willingness to be vulnerable and offer up whatever small insight I may have, I gain SO much from my students, who share their experiences and breakthroughs with me in turn. A true teacher is a  student -- tasmai shri.

The thing is, 'fear' is still something many of us seem to contend with (or at least I do), in one form or another. Fear of: failing, succeeding, falling, work, love, loss, pain, hardship...we work so hard on (and off) the mat to dispel these things, to hold them at bay. On the other hand, we often struggle with abundance, in a converse way: acceptance of what is, of the affirmations around us. I am continually amazed at small interactions that happen daily in my life -- a conversation about a journey; a small gift of appreciation; a hug from someone who I may have helped; the way I feel when I close my eyes and drum.  All reassurance that my own 'what if's' are being answered. Sometimes grace is obvious, sometimes it is subtler, like a song that makes me cry, or the way a room full of students just breathes all at once, in release. Being moved by nuance.

In buddhism, pain is part of living; suffering a choice. so the goal then, is not to hold these things at bay after all, but to live in and through them. How to accept and choose to NOT suffer as a consequence of some of these fears, is the million dollar question.

I ask myself if this is what or where I'm meant to be. Applying for that oh-so-elusive McJob last week is SO not where I WANT to be, but keeping food on the table is an important consideration for a single mom just trying to provide. So I try to create space around this idea of 'abundance', letting it come, but fear creeps in occasionally, in the form of 'how will I pay that traffic ticket?', or 'will I ever be able to afford that tiny fixer upper?', or even 'what's for dinner?'. Every time i show up to teach, i am reminded that THAT is where I'm meant to be, despite not living a rockstar's life or even the roadie-of-a-rockstar's life, or even the gardner-of-a-roadie-of-a-rockstar's life. You get the idea. Fluctuating between gratitude that at least I found this thing -- this purpose -- and worry that it's not going to sustain us.

So then the question becomes 'How long can I hold out?' In a world of  young(er) hipsters leaving for india, thailand, retreats, immersions and other things I cannot presently afford, when i'm merely trying to sustain myself, my kids, and this road I've chosen to tow. 'We are exactly where we are meant to be', frankly pisses me off at times. I thought I'd be more 'comfortable' by now, not in a complacent or entitled kind of way, but in a 'I've earned it' kind of way. And so I keep going, because that's all I know, and for the first time in my life, my work isn't 'work'; it's a gift. It gives to me, and I give to it. Owning my own studio? Teaching larger events? Gaining wider recognition? Sure, that would be great. But then I always come back to what it is that brought me here: my love of connecting with people where they are.

Last week one of my students, a wiser lady, said "Wendy, you are a great yoga teacher, sure -- but I think your true gift is more about letting people get comfortable with being themselves." That insight was so deep and resonant for me, because I think she's right. I teach, I sing, I dance, I tell stories, I laugh, I cry, I'm a goofball....and that's yoga to me. Allowing others to simply come into the room and be whoever they need to be, is really what it all comes down to, for me.

practicing for others...

Today was an interesting and lovely day. It began early, in a park in Sacramento, with a couple of hundred yogis, and a handful of teachers, invoking the 108 sun salutations. We practiced for a good cause, for Yoga Aid and the Africa Yoga Project. For as much as we teachers and yogis talk about service, I think that this is easier said than done in many cases, as we all need to survive, make a viable living, and promote ourselves and our studios. In this case, so much effort and love was given away today, for a greater cause than any one of  the people involved could have imagined on their own. The notion of giving selflessly, without a tangible outcome (other than the dollars raised) was apparent. It is sometimes hard to appreciate the reality of what we do for others, because we are not generally connected to outcome, particularly when those benefiting from  our efforts are continents away. Yet we practiced, we enjoyed the day, we danced, breathed, and did all the usual things we do here from the comforts of our mats, so that others might even HAVE a mat, or a place to practice this yoga.

From there, I went to a staff meeting, where, not surprisingly, the very topic (is anything a 'coincidence' really?) of giving back to the community, and outreach in general, was one of the main topics. I myself have been the recipient of countless acts of seen and unseen generosity, and know that in these times, even here in the United States, there are those in our community at large who struggle, and need help. Maybe it's the coming of the holidays, when we tend to reflect upon such things more, but whatever the reason, I am grateful for today, for the opportunity to serve -- in deed, not just in theory; to practice in community, with friends and strangers, for it's own sake; to feel the essential reason AGAIN, that brought me to the mat -- and to the work I love.

Our relationship to this practice is ever-evolving, never static. It has its challenging days, and its glorious days. It bleeds me dry, and sustains me again and again. Mostly, it never ends, and gives me hope even in the darkest times. It is raw, honest, painful, lovely, revealing, nurturing -- it is life.