What do I want to be when I grow up?

It's been awhile. There is always so much to say, but waiting for the writing muse to strike takes patience. Letting things percolate or simmer has merit. Lately I've been mediating on 'what I want to be when I grow up'. This sounds absurd I suppose, for a middle aged woman to say. But it's truth.

I have always wanted to be 'free', I suppose. When I say that, I really mean that I have always wanted to do work that isn't proscribed in a box (e.g. crunching numbers in a cubicle), but rather, do work that serves others, that has intrinsic meaning and value, that serves a greater purpose than just my own ends.

I've always focused on mind/body work. But as I've gotten older, it becomes clearer that yoga and pilates aren't the only way that I may use my gifts to help others. Leveraging 20 years of life skills, people skills, education, sales, wellness and support-- all of these things have melded into something that is dynamic, creative, and open to new frontiers.

I will always want to teach and serve others. It feeds my soul and spirit, to give back in that way. I seem to have a heart for the things that I have lived through or been touched by; maybe that's true for most of us. We can speak to the things that we've lived through, both good and bad, and then try to make a difference.

It seems so late to begin again. I think that many of us struggle with that idea-- that we must reinvent ourselves at various seasons or points in our lives. As we grow, so too do our needs in our work lives and relationships. It is not an easy thing, to feel as though I am stepping off of a cliff, but then again-- I've done it many times before. These are the things that grow us, the adversities, the 'not knowing', the 'what's next?'.

I can see it, where I want to go next. I have not had this feeling since I began in wellness 20 years ago; how I get there remains to be seen.

'Life is chaos; be kind.'-- Patton Oswalt via Michelle McNamara

When Old School Meets New School

I've been practicing yoga on and off since 1986. I can't  believe it's been that long. I recently wondered when my first yoga class was; many people seem to remember when theirs was, a kind of rite of passage. So I looked back at my college transcripts and found that my first 'hatha yoga' class was at San Francisco State, as a PE requirement. I don't remember very much about it, or the impression it made upon me. It was years until I took up the practice again. 

Fast forward to 15 or so years ago, when I was working in the gym world. I somehow stumbled upon the 'mind/body' aspect to wellness, and that was it for me. So many years, classes, studios. Many stories, ups and downs. Disillusionment, as well as glorious heart opening experiences, both on and off the mat; friendships made and lost. I always say the mat is like a microcosm of life-- tears, joy, pain, goofiness, loss, self-discovery, surrender, and release. It's taught me more-- as a teacher, a student, and a human-- than any other thing in my life, other than being a parent. 

I have been on a self-imposed hiatus from teaching/training since last November. I was teaching up to 20 classes a week, which is altogether too much, in terms of quality, balance, and passion. Somewhere along the line, my own practice went away completely; that is where the wheels fell off for me creatively. 

Since January, I have been practicing again, almost everyday, sometimes days off, sometimes twice a day. I've met some young, inspiring teachers. I am reminded of what my passion for this art felt like when I began my own journey down this road. It's rather like taking your own small children to Disneyland, and seeing it again for the first time, through their eyes. I can see what this practice means to these newer teachers. Their curiosity, their enthusiasm, their passion for learning and sharing this gift. I remember that feeling, as jaded and 'old' as I am, in this profession. 

In the wellness industry, youth is everything. Older instructors and trainers are largely put out to pasture; they lose their relevance somehow, as age is not valued in our culture. And this is true in the yoga community as well, although I do think there is a place for teachers of my stature, age and experience. I may not be able to throw down to the degree physically that I did 10 or 15 years ago, but I bring something else to the table that newer teachers may not: wisdom, grace, and insight. I know my limitations, and this informs my teaching and my personal practice in a way that being young, aggressive and fearless never did. It's a depth that only comes with time and an understanding of nuance, of subtle body energy. 

What I'm realizing is that it's all important and relevant. In my attempt to stay humble in a world fraught with egos and rockstar mentalities, I want to remain in awe of this ancient art (as Americanized as it is, here), and be inspired by those younger than myself, while at the same time, valuing the history and legacy of yoga in its purest form-- observation, listening and feeling. I am inspired by, and learning from those less experienced than me; hopefully, I can bring some wisdom, respect and inspiration to those who are coming up behind me. In many vocations or art forms, the idea of the 'student/mentor/teacher' paradigm is a thing of intangible value. Books may be one way to pass along knowledge, but in yoga (or tattooing, for example), learning the trade from those older and more experienced than you, is still how things are transmitted. 

The market is saturated. Everyone wants a piece of the action, their 15 minutes of fame. The dark undercurrent of that is a reality. Where we each fall into the spectrum of talent or ability is nebulous at best. Teacher Training programs are churning out 'wannabe' teachers at an alarming rate; where do all these potential teachers end up? Teaching poses is one thing; talent is another thing altogether. The 'It' factor is as important and elusive in yoga as it is in theater or music, or any of the creative arts. 'Guiding' a class with skill, heart, and authenticity is not something that is easily learned.

My own teacher taught me this, and the idea is counter-intuitive. She said, 'We teach for ourselves, we practice for our students.' I had to wrestle with this concept initially. But she is right; if I am not practicing, I have nothing to offer my own students. And if I am not teaching, then the reciprocity of giving and receiving is absent; therein lies the delicate dance of both. I hope to be teaching again soon, in a more balanced way. I have gifts and I need to use them, in whatever capacity I may. And that includes being inspired by others, humbly and with an open heart, both on and off the mat. 

Shanti

How Do You Decide?

How do you make decisions? From the heart? Intuition? Head? Gut? Prayer? I've been kind of asking this question for awhile, and a lot more lately. If we are meant to pray for clarity, and there is SILENCE, then what? If the guidance we are hearing is OUR thoughts and desires, and not His, how do you discern? 

Big questions, huh? Add to this, the ongoing humanistic convo's with my 16 year old son about how WE are responsible for our choices and decisions (wait, isn't this supposed to be the other way around?), not God's. So. Silence; what do we do with that? Is it the proverbial 'wandering in the dessert for 40 years'? And we are to stay faithful to that, no matter what? 

But 40 years won't cut it. Choices that can impact me, my kids and our future need to be made. So for lack of clear direction, I suppose we keep moving forward, continually asking along the way, 'Is this where You want me headed?', and if there is NO answer, then do we wait for a door to close (rather than open), or do we just keep rolling along, praying for the best possible outcome for all?

I've been paddling around on this, talking, singing, crying, praying, yelling, LISTENING, all summer. Here's what I keep coming up with: I want to teach yoga and train clients; it's where my heart lives, serving others. I want to paddle and teach others to paddle, because of how much joy and peace it brings to my soul. I want to do these things not because I'm entitled to, or because it feeds my ego, but because I truly believe these are gifts that I was endowed with, to share. My gifts, aligned with my wants; what's so hard about that?

Big Kid Wendy says, 'Well, you can't do that, it doesn't pay the bills', while the spirit that is supposed to be living breathing and serving what I was Put Here To Do, says, 'why CAN'T you do that?' And therein lies the rub. As a long-time yoga teacher, my job is to tell, teach and show others that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...or is that only what sounds good on paper? If this is true, then why isn't that true for ME, as well as those I'm blessed to serve? 

Independent wealth notwithstanding, how is this dream doable for others and not for me? I tried to live that dream for over 10 years and it just didn't materialize. It's not a luxury I can afford, as a 'hobby' job while my husband 'works'. It's my passion and my skill; it's my voice and my heart. It's what I was put here to do. But 'if' I'm a teacher, then does it need to be limited to the studio? Aren't I a teacher regardless of where, or whom I'm teaching to?

So I applied for grad school this week. Nerves: is this what You want? Or are You leaving this big decision up to me alone? There's no spouse to consult or support me in this; no parents or siblings. I have consulted with friends both in and out of the Faith; prayed; weighed it out. We'll see where this road turns next. That's all I can do. I think I've done everything I'm supposed to be doing-- job hunting, teaching, raising kids, being a good friend and person, a godly woman. Isn't this enough? And the old fears, the 'what ifs' creep in.

So you see, I'm left here with as many questions as before I began this entry. It seems that some people are truly blessed with luck, more than others. Or do we create our luck? Or do we keep praying? And praying. And listening. But it has really challenged me, this praying, and silence, and waiting. 

Wendy on Lake Clem

Now what?

A Year in the Life

As seems to be customary with me, these entries are way too few and far between. It's like taking photos on vacation: if you are constantly BEHIND the camera capturing all of the amazing things in front of you, then you aren't really present INSIDE of the moments that make up the experience. And such is journaling or blogging for me. Time seems to speed up, then slow down ('A watched pot never boils', comes to mind). And so it goes.

The awe and excitement of a new car or a new THING wears after a time, to the mundane, the 'normal'; the 'new car smell' invariably disappears into the daily detritus of kids, sweat, orange peels, and life. So my blogs of the last year have been on that same 'night-before-Christmas' track, amped and almost surreal with the newness of this life in God that I now find myself living. 

And then 'BAM', floating back down to life, its routines and disappointments; its supreme God moments, and trivialities. It's all there, as it was before...Before. BC. 

What's different then? Another year, a new job working with special needs kids. More legal wrangling and (hopefully) outcomes for the positive. Humility, tears, worry, and successes-- it's all there, as before. Just different somehow.

They keep telling me (who is 'they'? pastors, peers, friends in Christ) that life will NOT be easier merely because of this wonderment of new found faith. Indeed, quite the opposite seems to be true. Challenges exist, life continues. What's changed seems to be the filter I'm putting it all through. Less reacting, more prayer. Less (although some) fear, more prayer. A (possibly naive?) faith that He will provide-- not just materially, but faithfully. He will guide me/us through these trials and seasons with a reassurance of His divine will. I know this could sound cheesy as all get out to my non-believer (I don't even like THAT word anymore, as it places a line of separation between myself and my brothers and sisters who simply believe other than I do, and I'm not willing to cast OUT others in order to glorify ME) friends. 

At the outset I will go as far as to apologize for any words or views that might sound polarizing. But IF we were meant to 'walk and live as He did', then I believe that my personal walk is being directed by His grace, EVEN when it means saying the hard things that some folks don't want to, or aren't ready to hear. If it's said from love and not anger, then it's all good. 

Even BC, Before Christ, I tended to have a polarizing effect on people in terms of stating my belief in equality-- in civil issues of course-- but even deeper, that we are ALL one under the heavens. Having a yoga room as a pulpit (not a self-righteous pedestal) has given me a voice over the years, to speak out for peace, freedom and equality; for LOVE, COMPASSION, AND TOLERANCE. And most people can agree with this in theory-- it sure sounds great on paper, doesn't it? But when the rubber hits the road, can you tell yourself that you stand and walk with this in your heart, and THEN actively use those qualities-- not because they altruistic-- but because it's what Jesus did in his life and ministry? If we are being really honest, are we not ALL sinners who fall short of grace on any given day? It behooves us to cast the first stone, doesn't it?

And now, after Christ, how has this message sunk in, and where does it put me on the spectrum of 'hard right' or 'lefty liberal' (more labels I reject)? I have witnessed and observed just enough to be a hazard to myself, perhaps. I pray on this daily: "Father God, please use me to reach out to the disenfranchised, the youth, the alternative living, the marginalized and judged. Are we ALL not children of God? Then why is this so hard to in fact exercise in our daily lives, with our interactions with friends, family and co-workers? 

I have posted several somewhat controversial things this year about issues that I perceive as UN-Christian like bigotry. Am I popularizing myself for it? NO. When Jesus himself hung out with the poor, sick, or sinners-- did it endear him to the Pharisees? We all know the answer to that question. So it seems self-evident that we would do well to follow His example. Again, easier said than done. But why is it so hard? Is it FEAR? Fear of what we don't understand, or agree with. I surely don't agree with what I perceive to be a farther right political bent at my church, but it doesn't make me stop going; i LOVE those people. We are all different-- thankfully-- so why do we keep creating MORE (not less) divide amongst ourselves? Life is hard enough, can we not support each other despite our differences?

Context: what is valid in terms of honoring the bible, living a 'God-honoring life', versus 'picking and choosing' things to serve my own beliefs? Or inserting our beliefs rather than His? We ALL do that, to a degree in some regard. The huge gap in the Christian community alone illustrates the disparity between ultra-conservative legalists, and say, the more progressive purists who believe that Jesus' ministry-- and in fact ALL faiths-- supports love, compassion and tolerance. I'm not here to convince anyone that they are 'wrong' and I'm 'right'; those kinds of debates are counterproductive and not serving the dialogue. I just got off the phone with a life-long friend, a very academic and devout man of the Jewish faith. The conversation was lively and open, not righteous and dogmatic. There is something interesting that I noticed: we were in agreement about many KEY points having to do with our mutual love for God. Yes, the differences are glaring and obvious. But in the end, we pretty much agreed that God is about LOVE. That seems pretty basic to me. Is it that hard to live out?

Nevertheless, I maintain that, and have had much re-affirmation on this point-- His ministry served ALL people who came to Him. And I believe He is using me as a bridge for understanding to BOTH sides of this debate. As Bob Goff so eloquently reminded us at the Thrive Conference this weekend, "Love on people, that is how to walk and live as He did". There is no condition on WHOM we are setting the example of this for; believer, non-believer, Jewish folks, Buddhists, atheists. If we are truly engaged in our communities and our faith, then we are asked to go out and BE the light, not just 'be the light on people we agree with politically or biblically, and rebuke the rest.'

I know that this position makes some uncomfortable; that's ok. So did He. This leadership conference reminded me that IF we want to effectively grow our churches (and faith), then we had better get on board with the message, IN THE CONTEXT of where we are living NOW. So for me, that means being teachable AND standing out on faith and having the hard conversations, the ones that dare to stand up and say that I have, for example gay friends who are Christian (or not) and where does that leave them? God loves them, he loves us ALL, and we are all sinners. Who am I, or you, to judge that? We do not have to agree or even condone a lifestyle choice, in order to simply love on that person. I am removed from making that judgment call. It is merely my job to stand for them, speak for them, love them, accept them. 

And if the church, I believe, is doing its job in attracting new believers, then it would do us ALL well, to open our minds and hearts to not merely 'tolerate' (that implies a kind of tolerating of bad behavior, as with an errant child), but 'acceptance'. Do I think that everyone will agree with this, particularly the more conservative factions in the church? Not particularly. But it still needs to be said, and perhaps there needs to be a ministry (as we do with ALL care ministries) that serves ALL who feel that they do not have a 'place to call home' in God's kingdom here on earth. 

So back to my 'Year in the Life'. No, it has not been easier with the Lord. My parents are still gone (as before), I have serious work challenges and need to resolve my career/educational path. I pray ceaselessly for clarity on this: what is HIS will for me, not mine? How do I discern between these two things? 

But in all this seeking, and sorting and sifting of 'what I believe', or how He wants my gifts best served, this other thing keeps rising to the top. Whether it's job-related or not, my ministry seems to be emerging, as a voice for change-- as Jim Daly said, 'tone' is a huge factor in how people see us, meet with us, and HEAR us. So regardless of our personal views, let this be about Him, and honoring what we promised to do when we took up our crosses: walk in the mud and muck; speak out for tolerance and love, then DO something about it. Get uncomfortable, don't just stay in your box of routine around your faith: bible study with your group, your Sunday service, your service work-- step OUT and practice what He preached. 

1 Cor. 13:13, 'And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.'

Go live  I double dog dare you. And i dare ME. Then step back and observe what happens. 

peace,

wendy

Thanksgiving Postmortem Leftovers

Ahhh, the day AFTER a holiday; always that letdown kind of feeling-- 'I ate too much', 'I spent too much', etc. I love the day after things; it's always a good time to reflect and renew; take stock and wipe the slate clean (and to stay in one's pajamas). With Thanksgiving, it's self-evident that we are meant to acknowledge the things we are grateful for, as we should. But there is that other piece, the piece that we don't really want to look too deeply at: what are the things we are NOT thankful for? We had the glorious feast, but what were the scraps that noone wanted?

This week as I was preparing to teach a Thanksgiving morning yoga class, I sat quietly and prayed on this. What are the things that have challenged me the most this year, the things that I thought were insurmountable? What were the circumstances that threw me sideways-- that still push on me-- and more importantly, how have I reacted to these things? In the past I might have reacted in pride, anger, frustration, depression, sadness. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect, on my walk with The Lord. It's not a 'free pass' to walk with Him. Daily I am making mistakes and asking forgiveness, and starting over. There are still people working against me; the Enemy incognito. I guess the difference now is my awareness of these things, and learning to use the tools I now have to 'armor' up and fight for what is right IN THE RIGHT WAY. 

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^a whenever you face trials of many kinds,3because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. (James 1:20)

So how do we find grace in the hardest circumstances? Pray, read, fellowship with others who we trust and love. Rather than being a victim to these things that happen, how do we put on a different filter and see difficulties as blessings? This is really one of the hardest things to do, in my opinion. Everyone I know has had challenges of some sort this year, and that is nothing new. There is a new underlying strength there for me, iron-clad foundation of stability that gives me some mooring as I navigate through some troubled waters. He has this, He has me covered. I am tethered to something, someone, who gives us these challenges in order to pull us CLOSER to him in faith, trust and love, rather than turning away in fear, sorrow and defeat.

Earlier in the week my son and I were talking about 'If there is an all-loving God, then how can He just allow evil things/people to exist (like the holocaust, mass murder of children etc)? While I don't have all the answers, I am trying to hold strong to faith, because even (or especially) without faith, questions like these still cannot be answered-- all that's left then is disillusionment, mistrust, fear, and a kind of meandering faithlessness that goes nowhere. I am becoming acutely aware that there is something so much bigger than me, than you, than all of us-- orchestrated by a god so big that we can only catch glimpses of how He is working in our lives. Yes, we have free will, but how can we possibly have an overview of ALL things, and live with that overwhelming knowledge every single day? It's simply too unfathomable. And so, in learning to trust, I have to hand it over to Him, and not try to use my limited logic and knowledge of 'why' things go wrong, or get taken away, or any other thing that APPEARS to be hopeless. Using my mind or logic isn't really the way to walk through these things; it's not enough. 

"Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes." (Is. 30:20, NLT)

When I shift my filter from 'why me' to 'what can I learn from this?', it invariably draws me closer to Him, to things having a purpose, EVEN the seemingly impossible things. "But i don't WANT to learn from that, it's too hard, there is too much at stake", often runs through my mind in harder times. Learning to let go of what I want, and in MY time, is important. 

As I reflect on this year, it has truly been not only one of the most painful, but one of the most uplifting; how is this even possible? Loss, forgiveness, financial challenges, career change, self-examination, humility, friendship-- the myriad of all of it, laid out as a glorious tapestry of 'the good, the bad, and the ugly'. And looking back (hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?), it all seems so clear to me from where I now sit: everything plays out as it is meant to. whether we accept it or fight it tooth and nail. Surrender to the process of loss and redemption isn't the same thing as 'giving up'; we sill have to get up every day and do the best we can. We have to be His hands and feet. 

So on this day AFTER a day of thanks, ask yourself, 'what am i NOT thankful for, and what is the lesson there, how can it refine and define me further? Where is God leading me, and what are my gifts and strengths?' It is trial by fire that truly brings us face to face with who we are, what we are made of, and where we belong. Try to find grace and thanks for the hard stuff this year; by contrast you can see ALL of it illuminated, not just the good stuff, as gifts. 

The Year that Changed Everything

It's still in the 70's and sunny outside, as we approach mid-November here. It shouldn't surprise me, yet it always does; the raging summer kind of butts up into fall, then suddenly it's cold and wintery. But this year in particular has flown by, for so many reasons, and I find myself looking Christmas in the face. Not ready for that. Or am I?

As i came onto Bayside's campus (standing at the crosses) last weekend to serve, I paused to see the Big Tent was up-- the enormous tent that stands in the ready for the holiday activities about to come. It's just a tent, so what? So what is that I came onto that campus nearly a year ago, seeking 'only to hear some good music' and what ensued was a radical, life transforming event that Changed Everything. 

Most of the people close to me have by now heard my testimony. Most have been following my journey as I've more or less used Facebook this last year as an ersatz open journal documenting all of it. But as I stood there looking at that tent, it hit me like a ton of bricks, where I've been this year, from the depths of a self-imposed h*ll, to stepping boldly into this new life with the Lord. That tent was a refuge in, literally and metaphorically, the midst of a storm. I came into Bayside that day last December, little to hang on to, or so it seemed at the time.

    Tyler De Young

I came, with two of my children, to hear Tyler, a friend and student, play. That was the pretext; music, my passion. He (God) found the crack in my well-constructed armor.  I stood there, in the third row, with his parents, and watched in awe as the worship team that I have grown to love, and heard him, WITNESSED him moving the Holy Spirit, right to me, through me. I felt it, like nothing I've ever felt, and the tears began to roll down my face. I tried to stop it but it was in vain; his mother reached out for my hand, and I was Home. 

And it all went from there, a blur. I've not missed one weekend since. I have a family now. People who walk with me daily, moment by moment at times. I am theirs and they are mine. And we are His. 

Ragtag Crew, my family

How did this happen? Many years of teaching, of practicing, of being 'spiritual, not religious', and here I stand, with a story to tell, and a past that no longer has to define me as a noose of mistakes and missteps around my neck. I am free; not perfect, but free. I have a foundation that wasn't there before, something I've always sought but never found. And just like that, I stand on solid firmament. All I had to do was Believe. In Him. And say so out loud to my family and friends, to God. 'You are mine and I am Yours'. 

            April 13, 2013

So what has changed, besides saying these things out loud? I am accountable now in a way that I have never been. I am humbled from things like pride and ego, and letting my work define my importance, of who I thought I was. I am more full now in a way that I never was, but always wanted to be. I filled myself and my life up with yoga (nothing inherently wrong with yoga); with self-glorification in the guise of serving others. I now serve no other. And in surrendering all of these things, I came to myself, to who I am and who I am becoming. I released people and ideas that do NOT serve me any longer; and in doing so found an entirely new family that loves me. Not for what I say or do, but for who I am, nothing more. 

And I am flawed, so flawed. And I've made mistakes, poor judgement calls that cost me big. All I can do now is try to rectify these things, for the greater good. Try to be the mother I want to be, the daughter I want to be, the woman I want to be.  That's all I can do, and forgiving myself. For I am given grace now, and room to be forgiven.

Ellie my angel, and me at Breakaway

So I stood there at those crosses where I was baptized last April, staring at that tent, and it all flashed before me, jolted me back to now. To where I now stand. And there are still some things up ahead on the horizon that I must contend with. But strangely, I'm ok, it's going to be ok. It's going to be exactly as it should be, and all the pain, all the mistakes, all the growth, the lessons I learn daily; it's all for good. "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the Enemy's schemes." (Eph. 6) There will always be trials, we are human and there are struggles every single day. Keep those you love close to you, take nothing for granted. And draw near to Him, especially when things get hard. I have felt so alone in this world, without parents or family or roots under me. And all that's changed, in this year that Changed Everything. 

Peace.

God in a Box?

I'm never surprised, always humbled and amazed, at where Life's twists and turns take me, especially in regard to my spiritual pursuits. I was raised by a very spiritual woman who began her life as an orthodox Jew, found Christ in her 20's, then spent the rest of her life examining all manner of ideas and belief systems, from EST, TM, Buddhism, and finally ending her life back at the source of her Judaism. And I was raised in that pot of ever-seeking, always questioning, higher-thinking beliefs. On one hand that was a great legacy, to be so open and seeking in All Things of Spirit. On the other hand, it left me skeptical of 'organized religion' and the people who stand in judgement of others' whose beliefs are not the same as theirs; it left a void in me that was not consistent with faith in one God.

I still maintain a rather liberal view that all people of the world have the right to their own faith, wherever they are called, and in their own cultural context. I believe it is in our human DNA to always ask the question 'why' and 'where do we come from and where do we go?'. To seek a personal relationship with god, creator, etc.. We can put names on all these entities, but in the end it all comes back to Love and compassion, in my opinion.

As a yoga teacher, I am daily reminded of the gift that I am in service of providing to others on their paths, and nurturing their own questions and concerns about the inner spiritual life that yoga has to offer, if it is something they are interested in. More and more, I began to find that there were many of the Christian faith in my room, alongside those of other beliefs, or even non-believers or atheists. I am tolerant of all who come; it is THEIR journey, not mine, and I'm merely the vessel to hold space for them, and it is an honor. However, as my own personal journey began to shift towards Christ, I began to have people draw to me with questions about how these two ideas merge or conflict: yoga and christianity. I have reflected and prayed upon this.

And I have arrived at the conclusion that there is no conflict, at least not for me. I am trying to teach people how to love themselves, the world around them, their creator, family, friends, strangers. And that is true for me as well. It seems that there is no 'coincidence' that God has put me in the position of bridging this gap in a kind and gracious way, putting minds and hearts at ease about what yoga 'is' and what it 'is not' in terms of faith and god.

I have a friend who came to me recently, telling me about a woman who believes very strongly that yoga is 'devil worship'; this is not the first time I have heard this, and it saddens me greatly. In a purely pragmatic way, yoga is a system of poses meant to relieve stress, pain, injury, and give relief and pleasure in our busy lives. It seems that many people who consider themselves 'strongly of God' have somehow put themselves and their beliefs into a 'god box' ie a limited mindset where nothing but their own literal beliefs can exist, and everything outside of those beliefs is wrong, a sin, an abomination to God's word. I do not find anything in the bible which says 'yoga is a sin'. Worshipping false idols is stated, but I do not ask that of my students. If i chant, it's to help them breathe and come into the yoga space ready to practice. I do not pray to the hindu gods; however they are mentioned in pose names, and in chants. I see them as parables, cautionary tales or aspects of our own humanity.

When I picture Jesus in the here and now, I picture him not as someone has TOLD me to picture him, but as my own friend or father figure, interested in all things that speak to spiritual improvement, or being closer to Him, to our source. I actually (and lovingly) picture him in his board shorts doing yoga with us, as we laugh, sweat, sit in prayer/meditation, and rest and revive. Isn't that what God wants us to do?

And so I cannot tell this woman she is 'wrong'; I cannot force my own ideology down her throat just as she cannot mine. I can however continue to serve what I believe to be my gift in His name, and help people in need of a loving ear, a kind hug, or a good laugh. I can only bring about change by my example in word, thought and deed. Not by force or dogma.

Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu: may all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may our thoughts, words and actions support this. How can that ever be against God? The definition of sin is 'separation from God'; yoga surely does not ask us to do that, in fact quite the opposite.

I was baptised on Sunday; it was one of the greatest days of my life. And what made it so completely amazing what that two of my students, and believers, were the ones who baptised me. That was a huge gift and a blessing, to feel that my yoga life somehow brought me to my own personal relationship with God.