Thanksgiving Postmortem Leftovers

Ahhh, the day AFTER a holiday; always that letdown kind of feeling-- 'I ate too much', 'I spent too much', etc. I love the day after things; it's always a good time to reflect and renew; take stock and wipe the slate clean (and to stay in one's pajamas). With Thanksgiving, it's self-evident that we are meant to acknowledge the things we are grateful for, as we should. But there is that other piece, the piece that we don't really want to look too deeply at: what are the things we are NOT thankful for? We had the glorious feast, but what were the scraps that noone wanted?

This week as I was preparing to teach a Thanksgiving morning yoga class, I sat quietly and prayed on this. What are the things that have challenged me the most this year, the things that I thought were insurmountable? What were the circumstances that threw me sideways-- that still push on me-- and more importantly, how have I reacted to these things? In the past I might have reacted in pride, anger, frustration, depression, sadness. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect, on my walk with The Lord. It's not a 'free pass' to walk with Him. Daily I am making mistakes and asking forgiveness, and starting over. There are still people working against me; the Enemy incognito. I guess the difference now is my awareness of these things, and learning to use the tools I now have to 'armor' up and fight for what is right IN THE RIGHT WAY. 

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^a whenever you face trials of many kinds,3because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. (James 1:20)

So how do we find grace in the hardest circumstances? Pray, read, fellowship with others who we trust and love. Rather than being a victim to these things that happen, how do we put on a different filter and see difficulties as blessings? This is really one of the hardest things to do, in my opinion. Everyone I know has had challenges of some sort this year, and that is nothing new. There is a new underlying strength there for me, iron-clad foundation of stability that gives me some mooring as I navigate through some troubled waters. He has this, He has me covered. I am tethered to something, someone, who gives us these challenges in order to pull us CLOSER to him in faith, trust and love, rather than turning away in fear, sorrow and defeat.

Earlier in the week my son and I were talking about 'If there is an all-loving God, then how can He just allow evil things/people to exist (like the holocaust, mass murder of children etc)? While I don't have all the answers, I am trying to hold strong to faith, because even (or especially) without faith, questions like these still cannot be answered-- all that's left then is disillusionment, mistrust, fear, and a kind of meandering faithlessness that goes nowhere. I am becoming acutely aware that there is something so much bigger than me, than you, than all of us-- orchestrated by a god so big that we can only catch glimpses of how He is working in our lives. Yes, we have free will, but how can we possibly have an overview of ALL things, and live with that overwhelming knowledge every single day? It's simply too unfathomable. And so, in learning to trust, I have to hand it over to Him, and not try to use my limited logic and knowledge of 'why' things go wrong, or get taken away, or any other thing that APPEARS to be hopeless. Using my mind or logic isn't really the way to walk through these things; it's not enough. 

"Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, he will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes." (Is. 30:20, NLT)

When I shift my filter from 'why me' to 'what can I learn from this?', it invariably draws me closer to Him, to things having a purpose, EVEN the seemingly impossible things. "But i don't WANT to learn from that, it's too hard, there is too much at stake", often runs through my mind in harder times. Learning to let go of what I want, and in MY time, is important. 

As I reflect on this year, it has truly been not only one of the most painful, but one of the most uplifting; how is this even possible? Loss, forgiveness, financial challenges, career change, self-examination, humility, friendship-- the myriad of all of it, laid out as a glorious tapestry of 'the good, the bad, and the ugly'. And looking back (hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it?), it all seems so clear to me from where I now sit: everything plays out as it is meant to. whether we accept it or fight it tooth and nail. Surrender to the process of loss and redemption isn't the same thing as 'giving up'; we sill have to get up every day and do the best we can. We have to be His hands and feet. 

So on this day AFTER a day of thanks, ask yourself, 'what am i NOT thankful for, and what is the lesson there, how can it refine and define me further? Where is God leading me, and what are my gifts and strengths?' It is trial by fire that truly brings us face to face with who we are, what we are made of, and where we belong. Try to find grace and thanks for the hard stuff this year; by contrast you can see ALL of it illuminated, not just the good stuff, as gifts. 

The Year that Changed Everything

It's still in the 70's and sunny outside, as we approach mid-November here. It shouldn't surprise me, yet it always does; the raging summer kind of butts up into fall, then suddenly it's cold and wintery. But this year in particular has flown by, for so many reasons, and I find myself looking Christmas in the face. Not ready for that. Or am I?

As i came onto Bayside's campus (standing at the crosses) last weekend to serve, I paused to see the Big Tent was up-- the enormous tent that stands in the ready for the holiday activities about to come. It's just a tent, so what? So what is that I came onto that campus nearly a year ago, seeking 'only to hear some good music' and what ensued was a radical, life transforming event that Changed Everything. 

Most of the people close to me have by now heard my testimony. Most have been following my journey as I've more or less used Facebook this last year as an ersatz open journal documenting all of it. But as I stood there looking at that tent, it hit me like a ton of bricks, where I've been this year, from the depths of a self-imposed h*ll, to stepping boldly into this new life with the Lord. That tent was a refuge in, literally and metaphorically, the midst of a storm. I came into Bayside that day last December, little to hang on to, or so it seemed at the time.

    Tyler De Young

I came, with two of my children, to hear Tyler, a friend and student, play. That was the pretext; music, my passion. He (God) found the crack in my well-constructed armor.  I stood there, in the third row, with his parents, and watched in awe as the worship team that I have grown to love, and heard him, WITNESSED him moving the Holy Spirit, right to me, through me. I felt it, like nothing I've ever felt, and the tears began to roll down my face. I tried to stop it but it was in vain; his mother reached out for my hand, and I was Home. 

And it all went from there, a blur. I've not missed one weekend since. I have a family now. People who walk with me daily, moment by moment at times. I am theirs and they are mine. And we are His. 

Ragtag Crew, my family

How did this happen? Many years of teaching, of practicing, of being 'spiritual, not religious', and here I stand, with a story to tell, and a past that no longer has to define me as a noose of mistakes and missteps around my neck. I am free; not perfect, but free. I have a foundation that wasn't there before, something I've always sought but never found. And just like that, I stand on solid firmament. All I had to do was Believe. In Him. And say so out loud to my family and friends, to God. 'You are mine and I am Yours'. 

            April 13, 2013

So what has changed, besides saying these things out loud? I am accountable now in a way that I have never been. I am humbled from things like pride and ego, and letting my work define my importance, of who I thought I was. I am more full now in a way that I never was, but always wanted to be. I filled myself and my life up with yoga (nothing inherently wrong with yoga); with self-glorification in the guise of serving others. I now serve no other. And in surrendering all of these things, I came to myself, to who I am and who I am becoming. I released people and ideas that do NOT serve me any longer; and in doing so found an entirely new family that loves me. Not for what I say or do, but for who I am, nothing more. 

And I am flawed, so flawed. And I've made mistakes, poor judgement calls that cost me big. All I can do now is try to rectify these things, for the greater good. Try to be the mother I want to be, the daughter I want to be, the woman I want to be.  That's all I can do, and forgiving myself. For I am given grace now, and room to be forgiven.

Ellie my angel, and me at Breakaway

So I stood there at those crosses where I was baptized last April, staring at that tent, and it all flashed before me, jolted me back to now. To where I now stand. And there are still some things up ahead on the horizon that I must contend with. But strangely, I'm ok, it's going to be ok. It's going to be exactly as it should be, and all the pain, all the mistakes, all the growth, the lessons I learn daily; it's all for good. "Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the Enemy's schemes." (Eph. 6) There will always be trials, we are human and there are struggles every single day. Keep those you love close to you, take nothing for granted. And draw near to Him, especially when things get hard. I have felt so alone in this world, without parents or family or roots under me. And all that's changed, in this year that Changed Everything. 

Peace.

God in a Box?

I'm never surprised, always humbled and amazed, at where Life's twists and turns take me, especially in regard to my spiritual pursuits. I was raised by a very spiritual woman who began her life as an orthodox Jew, found Christ in her 20's, then spent the rest of her life examining all manner of ideas and belief systems, from EST, TM, Buddhism, and finally ending her life back at the source of her Judaism. And I was raised in that pot of ever-seeking, always questioning, higher-thinking beliefs. On one hand that was a great legacy, to be so open and seeking in All Things of Spirit. On the other hand, it left me skeptical of 'organized religion' and the people who stand in judgement of others' whose beliefs are not the same as theirs; it left a void in me that was not consistent with faith in one God.

I still maintain a rather liberal view that all people of the world have the right to their own faith, wherever they are called, and in their own cultural context. I believe it is in our human DNA to always ask the question 'why' and 'where do we come from and where do we go?'. To seek a personal relationship with god, creator, etc.. We can put names on all these entities, but in the end it all comes back to Love and compassion, in my opinion.

As a yoga teacher, I am daily reminded of the gift that I am in service of providing to others on their paths, and nurturing their own questions and concerns about the inner spiritual life that yoga has to offer, if it is something they are interested in. More and more, I began to find that there were many of the Christian faith in my room, alongside those of other beliefs, or even non-believers or atheists. I am tolerant of all who come; it is THEIR journey, not mine, and I'm merely the vessel to hold space for them, and it is an honor. However, as my own personal journey began to shift towards Christ, I began to have people draw to me with questions about how these two ideas merge or conflict: yoga and christianity. I have reflected and prayed upon this.

And I have arrived at the conclusion that there is no conflict, at least not for me. I am trying to teach people how to love themselves, the world around them, their creator, family, friends, strangers. And that is true for me as well. It seems that there is no 'coincidence' that God has put me in the position of bridging this gap in a kind and gracious way, putting minds and hearts at ease about what yoga 'is' and what it 'is not' in terms of faith and god.

I have a friend who came to me recently, telling me about a woman who believes very strongly that yoga is 'devil worship'; this is not the first time I have heard this, and it saddens me greatly. In a purely pragmatic way, yoga is a system of poses meant to relieve stress, pain, injury, and give relief and pleasure in our busy lives. It seems that many people who consider themselves 'strongly of God' have somehow put themselves and their beliefs into a 'god box' ie a limited mindset where nothing but their own literal beliefs can exist, and everything outside of those beliefs is wrong, a sin, an abomination to God's word. I do not find anything in the bible which says 'yoga is a sin'. Worshipping false idols is stated, but I do not ask that of my students. If i chant, it's to help them breathe and come into the yoga space ready to practice. I do not pray to the hindu gods; however they are mentioned in pose names, and in chants. I see them as parables, cautionary tales or aspects of our own humanity.

When I picture Jesus in the here and now, I picture him not as someone has TOLD me to picture him, but as my own friend or father figure, interested in all things that speak to spiritual improvement, or being closer to Him, to our source. I actually (and lovingly) picture him in his board shorts doing yoga with us, as we laugh, sweat, sit in prayer/meditation, and rest and revive. Isn't that what God wants us to do?

And so I cannot tell this woman she is 'wrong'; I cannot force my own ideology down her throat just as she cannot mine. I can however continue to serve what I believe to be my gift in His name, and help people in need of a loving ear, a kind hug, or a good laugh. I can only bring about change by my example in word, thought and deed. Not by force or dogma.

Lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu: may all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may our thoughts, words and actions support this. How can that ever be against God? The definition of sin is 'separation from God'; yoga surely does not ask us to do that, in fact quite the opposite.

I was baptised on Sunday; it was one of the greatest days of my life. And what made it so completely amazing what that two of my students, and believers, were the ones who baptised me. That was a huge gift and a blessing, to feel that my yoga life somehow brought me to my own personal relationship with God.